It is true that when people get married, they never think of it not lasting. My situation is no different. Lord knows that I've made mistakes, done and said things I should not have out of anger and frustration. I recognize it, take ownership for my actions and have taken steps to ensure I do not repeat them. Everyone has things in their past which they are not proud of, I am no different. That said, I've done a lot of good in my life and know where my heart is.
What I am grappling with is why things need to be harsh, why people cannot just work together. It's a shame that things did not work out, but it does not have to be bitter. I struggle every day to get out of bed, come to work and go to the gym. While I am taking care of myself and making positive changes, I still hurt and wish things could have been different.
I could not imagine my life without my wife and her daughters and desperately wanted to make a family of our own. After things fell apart, I wanted to have a friendship and although my feelings were far more than friendship, I still tried. I don't want to hurt her and I do not want to see her hurt.
I know in time, the pain will stop. I might be able to move on, for now I just don't know though. I'm piecing things together slowly, reading a lot, taking care of my daughters and I. What I know is my home is calm. For that I am happy but there is a lot of pain associated with the calm. I try to go out when I don't have my girls, I get together with friends. It is hard going home to an empty house at the end of the day, regardless of how calm it is. There was a time, before I met my wife, that that was happy going home and relax. Now, it is different. Although I have come a long way, there is a lot of work to do still for me to be comfortable with the situation. I'll get there though.
I've thought about what I am thankful for in my life and for what I am proud...
- My Children. They are beautiful girls, who are innocent, well balanced, who are respectful and sweet. They are not perfect, they make mistakes but they are truly good girls with big hearts.
- My Mom. She has been there for me throughout my life. She's seen me hit bottom more than once. She is honest with me about what she thinks and is not afraid to tell me when I'm doing wrong.
- My Brother. My brother is one of only a couple idols I have in my life. I look up to him and have an incredible amount of respect for him and the decisions he has made; some of them very difficult. He has a wonderful wife and family.
- My Aunt and Uncle. They have supported me, as my mom has, through so much in my life. Whenever I need to talk, they are there to listen. They have been incredible influences on my life, I don't know they really know that. I know they have had bumps in the road, but they always seem to make in through.
- I'm thankful for my friends... All of them. Over the years I've met some great people (and not so great :)).
- I've had a relatively good adult life, outside of relationships.
- My health. While I've been plagued with more health issues than many my age, I'm on the track for good health. I'm alive and intend to stay that way.
- My Job. I have a great job and work with a lot of great people. I've never hidden the fact that I'd love to work there until I retire. We'll see if I make it that long, but after nearly 13 years, I'm doing OK I think.
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